To Nicholas

To Nicholas

I want to rip the stars
From the sky
As easy as buttons on a sweater
if only my limbs had the muscle
They're so much more permanent
Than I will ever be

My dna now floats
In the blood of another
I try not to make him my salvation
But he is always the one reason
I won't

He dulls the blades
And melts the pills
All with a coo and a smile
Rubbery gums about to break
He rumbles around
First inside me
Now around me
Kneeling at my feet
Grabbing my skirt
Eyes deep brown
Like coffee beans
Scanning the beige carpet
For anything he can reach
With his new-found grasp

He needs me
I tell myself always
In the AM hours
When I dump my pills out on the glass table
Hear them Tapping like hail
Tiny white disks in my palm
The closest I will ever get
To holding a star

He needs me
So I take just enough
To bring on the black
But still stay warm
So I can rise for his cries
Stumble to him
Hold him next to my dewy skin
My heart drumming against my ribs
To think
I Made him
To unmake me

The woman who awed
At the sight of her own blood
Who took apart leg razors
When she couldn't find anything else
sharp enough
When walls got too boring
Too close
To her


I made him
To unmake me
Like I selected all my best genes
Knitted them together
Hoping for no pulls
No dropped stitches
Just a better version
Who would see more days
And more rewards
Than I ever could

What I do for him
Is the best I can possibly do
For me
Because our lives fit
Inside one another
Like a key in a lock
Hoping for beautiful things
On the other side of the door
Both of us curl together
I shield him
With my skin
Scarred as it is
It's still in one piece
And he doesn't even realize
He's the reason why

--jenna r mckean randall winter, 2005